You ever been in a relationship where your significant other was whoring around, and you could see all the signs, but you didn’t really want to admit it until you saw it with your own eyes?

Well… that feeling… the feeling of knowing, but not really knowing… I’ve lived with something similar to that for the last 15 years.

I never really knew my Grandpa. I think I have one picture of him and I together from when I was just a baby, but it never bothered me that I didn’t know him. I was used to being away from family seeing as I lived overseas until I was 18. He passed back in 1994 but it wasn’t until I was an adult that I started to learn a little more about him. He was a frivolous with his money, loved to drink, loved to smoke and apparently loved the ladies. And I knew all of this. But I didn’t really know until last night, when I got a call from my Dad. He shared some stories, forwarded me some emails and some pictures, and I was able to really get a feel for this man, my father’s father. And no, my Dad didn’t feel like just sharing some stories just for the heck of it, he was actually contacted by a woman claiming to be his sister. Turns out the claims are true, and he wanted me to know that I have another aunt…

Now, I don’t have any hate towards my Grandfather… not at all. I’m saddened at the situation because I don’t like the choices he made. I really don’t like that he disregarded my Grandmother’s feelings so much and left her with nothing when he died. He promised to make sure that she was taken care of, but because of the choices he made, she was left with nothing. No job, no education, no money. And because she was such a proud woman and didn’t want to burden  anyone, she felt the only thing she could do was take her life. Which she did. And I think that’s what hurts me the most. Actually I know that’s what hurt me the most.

I was only 11 when she passed, just a few months after my Grandfather did. And back then I remember being angry. Angry because she didn’t have to die, it was a choice she made. And I felt that she made it without thinking of how it would affect everyone else. And I was jealous.  I was jealous of my cousins for being able to spend so much time with her, time that I couldn’t spend with her because I lived in Germany. I eventually got over myself and just became sad, and I still get sad to this day whenever I think about her.

To be honest, I’m not even really sure what I’m trying to say here. I guess just trying to clear my head. But I’m glad that this all came to light, and glad that now I really know…

I went to the doctor yesterday for what I thought was foot cancer¹ (yeah… I know, the doc looked at me kinda sideways too) but turned out to be an extremely infected spider bite which he decided he wanted to cut open – guess I shouldn’t have waited 2 weeks to go get it checked out.

My response:

“Ummm…. I would prefer if you didn’t slice my foot open, young, sexy, Venezuelan doctor², but do what you got to do.”

So, now I’m walking around with my foot bandaged up, unable to put on a decent pair of shoes & it is killing me. I’m sorry, but I am just not a sandal kinda girl. Still, I guess it’s better than having my whole foot fall off. That would really suck.

1. Not the first time I thought I had cancer. When I was about 15 I found a lump in my armpit… turns out it wasn’t armpit cancer, just a bad reaction to the Dove deodorant I was using. Oh, and those lumps I felt in my neck last year, not neck cancer. Just some swollen lymphnodes. I tend to get a lot of weird looks from doctors.

2. Okay, so the young, sexy, Venezuelan part I didn’t actually say out loud, but I should’ve.

Taking a nice, hot, relaxing bath while reading my newest Jen Lancaster book…

The best.

Running out of hot water midway through my post bath shower while I still have conditioner in my hair…

Not so much.

Remembering that I have no towels to dry off with because they’re all in the dryer…

Can it get any worse?

Running buck naked and dripping wet through the house to the laundry room only to realize that I forgot to turn the dryer on…

Yep.

Yes people. This is my life.

Okay… so really, I haven’t been looking for a man. The lack of is just an observation that a blind person could make. But, I have been looking for a home. I mean… your girl got a good job (thankful for this everyday) and with as much as I’m paying in rent every month I may as well be paying a mortgage. A lot of people say this, but I really mean it. You do not want to see the check that I have to write every month.

Now, I have been looking HIGH and LOW for that perfect home. The one that just screams Victoria… but seeing as that hasn’t happened yet, and I’ve been looking since October, I’ve expanded my search to include homes that just say it very loudly. I mean, I watch a lot of HGTV, as long as it’s got the potential I can spruce it up a bit. Little paint, little love, you know.

But tell me why, the few places I have been interested in have been on the market for 9789 days with no interest and the minute I decide to put in an offer everyone else wants to too. I swear, it’s just like people… nobody wants you till someone else does. So, with that being said, I’m still without that perfect place. My lease is up on March 9, so if I don’t find somewhere soon, you just may see me & Tyson chillin in midtown with the rest of the homeless folks cause I refuse to sign another lease or go month by month.

Pray for me good people.

I don’t speak to my mother often. Not because she wrote some daughter-hating memoir about me causing us to fall out, but because I live in Atlanta and she lives in Seoul. Two different continents… two very different time zones… this tends to make it a little harder to find a good time to call. But when I do finally get to talk to her it’s all comedy from there. One of our latest conversations had her inquiring about my recent real estate search. It went a little something like this:

Her: So, have you still been looking at condoms?
Me: Uh, what?!
Her: Condoms… have you still been looking?
Me: Um…. condos, Ma?
Her: Oh shit. Yeah, condos.
(insert laughter from both sides here)
Me: I’m going to need for you to not ever ask anybody that ever again. Okay.

I love my mother.

I don’t talk to my parents often, but not because we don’t have a good relationship. On the contrary, my parents and I actually have a great, solid relationship, but when you live in Atlanta and they live in Seoul, finding a good time for an actual phone conversation can prove difficult at times. Still, one thing I can always count on in every conversation is my Mother asking me if I’ve found a boyfriend yet. I’m sure it can’t just be mine, yours must ask you that too… right? I don’t know if she’s disappointed that I’ve been answering this question with the same”No Ma, no boyfriend yet” for the past 4 years or relieved. Although, I’m guessing it’s the former seeing as last night she came back with “Really, not even after moving to this big new city?” I then had to explain to her the logistics of living in Atlanta. Now, I’ve only been a resident since March, but so far I’ve only men I’ve come across have either been too short (now, I’m only 5’5, so if I think they’re short, then that should tell you something), gay or married. None of which, I’m interested in.

But to be honest, I’m not on the prowl anyways. I just happen to be one of the few females who actually can be happy sans-relationship. I’m still young(ish) and I have a lot of plans for myself that a man just might get in the way of. But, should one come along that is not already in a relationship, can actually see over my head, is not into men, can support himself and most importantly not get on my nerves... well, I won’t completely dismiss him either.

But until then, I’m good.

PS. Let me end by saying I am not trying to down Atlanta men, I’m sure not all of you are horizontally challenged. Nor gay. A few of you are probably even single… I just haven’t met you yet.